One Tragic Mistake
by SkylarWhite
Summary: "Please Bella...don't do this" "It's too late...my ride's here i've gotta go" Heartache painfully knocked me to my knees as tears ran free "PLEASE BELLA! Tell me what i have to do so you trust me again!""There isn't anything...goodbye Alice" I watched the love of my life walk away. Because of one mistake that destroyed everything. Destroyed her and her life.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I don't own Twilight, thanks for reminding me. OK this story is going to be AH and is going to be slightly deep, i don't know why but i enjoy writing angsty stuff, maybe I'm just odd, this one is kinda based on someone in my life and she has allowed me to write a Twilight casted version of it. I did delete the original one because that was a version i didn't clean up so oops :s **

God, my head is spinning, I really need to lay off the wine at these stupid work do's.

Where am I? in a bed? Urgh I don't know, everything is blurry.

The last thing I really remember is dancing like a lunatic to Michael Jackson's Thriller that is always played at Halloween as if it's part of a law, like all work places they have a staff party which means dressing up in spirit and drinking free cheap booze to cheesy music surrounded by crap decorations.

I don't have an amazing job, just an assistant at a fashion company down in Seattle, it's not my dream to be an assistant but it's in the area of where I'd like to end up in the future. It's rare to work with something you love and have passion about especially at hard time like now and at the age of twenty, it's a blessing. Surrounded by fashion lovers and clothes, an okay pay and easy hours. Yeah a blessing. Apart from these stupid parties we MUST attend.

I remember not wanting to get to drunk because I was meeting my girlfriend, yeah my girlfriend, if you don't agree with that, then turn around and walk away, you can kiss my ass as you do too.

My girlfriend, my perfect, beautiful, loving girlfriend that I have been with since I was fifteen, I know what your thinking, your young, you haven't experienced being with anyone else yet, you got in a committed relationship to early. I can tell you right now that nobody else is for me. I fell for her the moment I laid eyes on her when I first saw her across the cafeteria on my first day in Forks High. I didn't want anyone else, just her. I knew it. Her laugh caught my attention, like a calling and when I finally found her on the other side of the cafeteria, her eyes locked with mine and it was in that moment I knew, I was in love. I know cheesy but insanely true. With her slight shyness and clumsiness I was trapped by her, in a good way. She didn't turn out to be so shy after three dates. She came out of her shell and I fell even harder for her. Her gorgeous brown eyes, slight pale skin, deep red full lips, perfect ass, perfect breasts and her gorgeous brunette locks.

Which brings me to right now.

The room was a blur but was slowly regaining it's image and I noticed I was in a bed, a huge one. I was feeling a light moisture on my skin, which meant I was naked. The air reeked of alcohol and...sex?

My body was wrapped with someone else's and I was writhing about. The pleasure hit me when I came to my senses and I couldn't help but moan out loud. The presence on top of me picked up there pace at my cry so I did it again and again to help increase the pleasure building inside of me, it wasn' t intense pleasure which confused me. Whenever me and Bella sleep together, I always end up screaming the house down with her touches, no matter if we're drunk, it's always incredible but this...isn't it was mediocre.

My senses came back to me more and I noticed more things, I felt hair tickling my naked chest but it wasn't soft and healthy like hers, it was brittle and slightly greasy. The smell in the air didn't have her gorgeous natural jasmine smell, it was cheap cologne. I'm confused now. The skin on my skin wasn't smooth either, it was rough and hard and...hairy. Not her smooth, sweet chocolate tasting skin.

Ok this is not my Bella

"Oh yeah, fuck Alice!" I notice that deep male voice and recognise it as James, one of the photographers from my work, on top of me, naked, the thrusts became faster and harder, then I noticed an unfortunate object inside of me. 'What the fuck?!'

Flashes of the night came back to me. Me downing lots of shots, dancing with Jess, joking with Jess and James, dancing with James, kissing...James, getting a taxi and Fondling James!, stripping each others clothes off, FUCKING JAMES!

'Oh no'

I instantly sobered up when I realised exactly what I was doing.

'I was having sex with James, not my girlfriend, the woman i am madly in love with' I was about to push him off of me but a smash sounded next to us and his thrusts instantly halted.

"Shit!" he hissed as he scrambled off of me, revealing my naked spread eagle position as the duvet fell from me. I quickly shot up to grab my cover and sat back against the headboard to figure out the source of the noise. And when I did my heart dropped painfully in my chest.

In the doorway of our bedroom, stood my distraught, tear filled girlfriend. Dressed in the sexy vampire outfit I begged her to wear for me tonight to match my vampire slayer cheer leading outfit. Although my outfit was thrown in all directions in the bedroom...Oh god **OUR** bedroom, our bed. I just fucked somebody else in mine and Bella's bed. At her feet was a smashed bottle of champagne that leaked all into the cream carpet giving it a dirty brown colour.

I had no clue what to say but my blood ran horrifically cold and my heart pounded painfully hard in my chest.

James finished getting frantically dressed and started to mumble out ridiculous excuses about having to leave to get up early. He passed Bella with haste and she didn't even spare him a glance instead stared at the end of the bed, her body was trembling and the tears we're falling like a waterfall. I hated seeing her cry more than anything else in the world. And to know I'm the one behind these fresh set of salty trails makes my heart bleed, yet I still can't move. I'm frozen to my spot.

Naked and covered in someone else's sweat. I want to shower myself badly, scrub my skin till it's red raw and replace it with hers. But she won't want to touch me now. Ever again. And with that heartbreaking thought I snap out of my self-locked prison.

"Bella..." I whisper croaked.

She loudly gulped and fluttered a blink making the tears that clung to her lashes fall from her bloodshot eyes and she continued to stare at the end of the bed.

"Jess told me you came home so i thought we could have our own celebration here because I was late to your party" her voice was such a delicate whisper it made me weep. I tasted salt on my lips and realised I was crying.

She wipes her tears away and turns out of the room without a word and I bolt from the bed and frantically dress myself like James a moment ago. "Bella!" I shout after her but when I reach our living room I see the front door wide open with Bella nowhere in sight.

"No, no, no, no" I mumble to myself as my tears run quickly.

I waste no time going after her but when I reach our apartment steps, I see her car driving away out of the window.

My legs get replaced by jelly and I collapse to the floor as the guilt hits me and I sob out, hot tears burning my cheeks as i frantically clutch at my hair. Sickness fills me and i violently heave air making my chest squeeze tightly.

This was the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. I broke Isabella Swan's heart, destroyed her life.

**A/N: I know it's short but it's sposed to be, I'm still writing 'Wrong Desires' :D I'm working on the next chapter because I'm not happy with them being so damn short :/. Anyhoo so i will be balancing two stories now :) xxx**


	2. Chapter 2 Memories

**A/N: Ok the usual i don't own Twilight yadayada hmph. Erm this chapters a bit like oooh cheer up please but its a angst story so it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows ya know. Plus listening to Lykke Li's 'Possibility' kinda helped with the whole depressing side of it, lol i felt like Bella in New Moon listening to it when she sits staring out the window. Anyway all the chapters won't all be like this though don't worry :D xSkylarx **

I hated our apartment now, well my apartment. It stopped being Bella's when her brother Edward came to collect her things. He didn't ask for any help, he knew i wouldn't anyway. Not in a rude way just if i did then it would be as if i was helping her leave me.

I didn't really notice how much her things filled up the place and livened it up till it was all gone. From big things like her classic film posters to little things like her books or even her toiletries from the bathroom shelves. Even her perfume, i never wanted to know the brand of it because without knowing it is like her own personal scent, if i knew she was going to leave i would of got the name of the brand so i could buy some and drown myself in it, just to imagine her here.

Everything is so bland and...empty. But what pained me the most was all the photgraphs of us together we're left behind, years of memories she was leaving and it's all because of me.

One night that i still can't remember how it fully happened. Have you ever wanted to change a situation, to so badly wish for the power to turn back time you body aches, to have that sickening feeling in your chest that won't disappear not matter how much you beg it to and when ever you think of the situation you wince and hate yourself even more. That's how i feel every day, i can't even try not to think about it, i still can smell James's cologne in my nose and the feel of his skin.

I spent over two hours in the shower, even when it ran cold i didn't leave, frantically scrubbing myself harsh until i started to bleed, my thighs are now scarred from the skin i removed, another reminder, everytime i remove my clothes i see the white shine of skin, then i remember why i was scrubbing so hard. I couldn't remove the stain from the broken champaigne bottle, the ugly stain was still there after i cleaned it up. Another reminder. I opted to cover it with a small carpet but i know it's still under there when i leave our...my bedroom.

I haven't slept in the bed since that night and that was nearly a month ago, i threw out the sheets, duvet, pillows and matress. But even though it is all brand new i still can't bring myself to touch it. One because i get violent memory flashes if i go near it and two i know i will feel alone with all that space, so i've banished myself to the coach. Sometime's it's difficult sleeping there too. Everything has some sort of memory...and it would we lived here since we was 18, two years of memories created.

The sofa, where i would hold Bella while we watched TV, kissing and smelling her vanilla hair while she hid her face in my shoulder when was watched a horror movie, i knew she wasn't as scared as she made out to be but the fact she just wanted the excuse to snuggle into me more made my heart melt every time. Or when she would drift off to sleep and cling to me whenever i tried to move us to our bed. Plus the sexual times but them thoughts are always tainted with her face of heartache instead of pleasure.

The kitchen, where i she would always be when i came out dressed for work in the morning, singing along to the radio in that beautifully toned voice with a flask of freshly brewed coffee and my breakfast in a tuppaware container ready for me, i would steal a bite of her food before pecking her on the lips and whispering i love her then dart off to work. Just one peck and a whisper and that was enough because we knew we loved each other. But now i awake to pure silence, no smell of food and no coffee. Nothing. Just an empty space where she used to be. The apartment isn't bright anymore, it's like a dark cloud is constantly hovering here now. Even when the sun shines, the rays never shine through the windows, always blocked by another building, never bright. Just empty and dull.

Work isn't as exciting as i used to be, it isn't the same. It's a chore. I arrive, sit at my desk and do whatever people ask of me without question or conversation. They all know what happened. They heard from James, thankfully he wasn't gloating about it. It came out accidently when he tried to apologise for what happened and unfortunatley a temp heard the conversation and spread it around like high school gossip. People shockingly we're somewhat sympathetic to me which i don't understand, they should't be, i don't deserve it.

I even hated it when my boss Victoria offered me time off to get over it but i couldn't, as much as i hate work now, i need the distraction and a reason to stay away from the apartment. And it's difficult, especially with James always in the vicinity. The same as me, he didn't get any problems from people and I'm glad he didn't, he had no clue about what happened either and i can see in his expression the guilt he holds aswell. He hates himself as much as i hate myself cause from before that night, he and Bella was close friends.

James on occasion took photo's for Bella usually of nature and she kept them in a handmade binder she created with my mom when we was kids, it was filled with so many different photo's, the one's of us we're what she called 'special' like our prom night with us both in our dresses, one in our gradutation gowns smiling with our parents at our sides donning proud smiles and then they moved on to us at specific times of the years, our first christmas in our apartment with our parents and Edward, the table was filled with so many plates and bowls of food that Bella prepared with her mom. She never noticed however that i took one photo and keep it secure in my purse, my favourite one of us both sat against a thick tree, the sun was shining to the left of us, giving a goregous glow to Bella's skin as she leant back into me and kissed my jaw. It simple pose but she was beautiful and everytime i seen her relaxed smile it always cheered me up and made me realise i was lucky to have her in my life. Not anymore.

Edward left all the photo's with me and took that binder and i felt my heart crack when he told me she said to leave them behind. She didn't want them, our love filled reminders.

I've kept them all in a shoe box in my wardrobe, i will never get rid of them, ever.

"Morning Alice" I hear Angela say in her usual chipper tone. Unlike everyone else that gives me a gentle tone she remains normal. I'm getting tired of everyone treating me this way, they are acting as if Bella has died, all the sympathetic tone and soft smiles. I appreciated it at first but now it's irritating.

"Morning Ang" i mumble, she doesn't respond with anything else and places herself in her desk opposite me and starts up her computer. See this is what i like about Angela, she knows not to try and coax me into a conversation or try to be over-the-top friendly or treat me like glass. If i need to talk she'll be there for me and not push. I expected Angela to be the one to snap at me, she's been Bella's best friend since high school and is fiercly loyal. When i pulled her up on it, she explained saying she see's me as a sister that had a strong moment of utter stupidity and that there is no need to hate on me when I'm doing it enough myself.

And that was a relief, I'm happy she didn't drop me cause i really do need a non-judgemental person in my life right now. Not that people have dropped me or are judgemental, my mom was supportive as expected along with my dad but they was torn with what to say cause they in a way lost a daughter when Bella left, she doensn't speak to them and it hurts them both but they understand her need for distance. I haven't heard from her since she came by one night to collect her purse and some clothing. She didn't acknowledge me while she packed a bag, no words, nothing. And i stood shaking, trying my best to contain my sobs in the living room thinking she might want to be far away from me. It wasn't until she was heading to the door when i crumbled.

**"Please Bella...don't do this!" **

**"It's too late...my ride is here, I've gotta go" her voice was so small but was trembling, i know she didn't want to do this. When i seen her twisting the handle of the front door and i panicked.**

**"PLEASE BELLA! Tell me what i have to do so you trust me again!" I was unable to keep the sobs in as i grabbed her by her shoulders and spun her around, i hadn't touched her in so long so i held onto her coat desperately as i cried into her shoulder. Begging her to stay.  
"There isn't anything...goodbye Alice"**

**I couldn't bear the ache thumping in my chest when she said those words i never thought i'd hear her say, so i kissed her, i kissed her with all my might, hoping the love in her heart would overthrow her mind and make her change her mind. I whimpered when i felt her respond cause i didn't expect it. Her lips tasted sweet like they always did but was mixed with wet salt as both our tears trailed down. Her hands gripped my hair painfully but i didn't care she was kissing me but it didn't last long as she she pulled back and shook her head.**

**"Goodbye Alice" she hiccuped in a cry.**

**I felt sick when she squirmed out of my grip and slid out of the door, leaving me to collapse onto the floor, sobbing and screaming in utter heartache.**

I snapped out from that night and focused back onto my work which made no sense to me at all. I needed a break, even though i've only been here for an hour and Ang has only just started I'm sure Victoria will allow me time for a coffee and a conversation with her.

**"**Hey Ang"

"Hmm?" her eyes we're glued to her screen as her fingers typed away at full speed with complete ease.

"Do you wanna come get a coffee with me?" she turned from her screen and glanced at me for a second and smiled. She knows i need to talk and that smile means she'll be a shoulder. As i said thanks and we grabbed our things, i remembered something my dad said to me.

**'The worst thing is to watch the love of your life leave you at their own choice. To know that they themselves decided to part from you. Death can be mourned and you can heal but when it's your own faults that took them away from you, the guilt is much longer to forget'**

**A/N: Holy crap that was depressing, i hope this doesn't put people off :s But like i said it's all based on true events and true thoughts so it is going to be slightly deep because this is all real emotions. The upcoming chapters won't be as bad, i just want you to get the gist of what Alice is going through at the moment. And that little saying was actually said to me by someone and i think that it's true in some ways. Ermm so yeah lol, the usual guys PM me for questions and all that hoohaa :D xSkylarx**


	3. Chapter 3 Pumpkin Coffee

**A/N: Don't own Twilight -_-. Ok right some people agreed the last chapter was sad. I'm sorry if i actually upset people though. I did say this is a angst story so it is going to be slightly hard to read for some people but i do promise all chapters are not going to be like that, some are going to be lighthearted cause to tbh i can't write constant angst otherwise i'll depress myself lol. But chapter 2 needed to be like that cause Alice's thoughts and feelings needed to be put out there. Anyway hope you guys enjoy this one better.**

"Black coffee, no sugar for you and a cinnamon latte for me. You know you should try venturing out with your caffeine, you have a pick-a-mix here and you go for the boring standard" Angela mumbles out with half croissant in her mouth as she hands me my drink and seats herself facing me.

"I go for the boring standard cause i know whats in it, just coffee as the Coumbians intended" i reply sipping it, to be honest it was dull and i fancied something sweet but i'll be a hypocrite if i change my mind now.

"That's racist" she giggles.

"How is it racist? Columbian's created coffee, they gave us this amazing potion and i will be forever thankful, if i was Columbian i would be appalled if i learnt how America has confused it all with fancy mixtures, i mean seriously dude they put pumpkins in coffee now, what's with that?"

"Hey they are actually quite tasty, once you past the pumpkin taste though"  
"That made no sense, how can it be tasty once you past the pumpkin"

"I don't know, it just is. Blame America for ruining coffee" she dipped her croissant into her latte until it was literally dripping, which made it go all soggy and gross.

"Beside's back to the Columbian thing, it was Mexico that made coffee first" she continued while sucking the coffee from the soggy croissant.  
"Their the same idiot" i laugh but she shakes her head

"No their not, their completley different"  
"Their the same"  
"NO their not"

we could continue like this all through our break if we didn't reach an decision and at the same time we spoke after silence and a playful glare.

"Google"

Angela pulled out her phone and began to google to birthplace of coffee while i sipped mine. A heavy hand ruffled my hair nearly making me spill it all over my white blouse.

Turning round i see my huge mammoth cousin Emmett towering over me with a huge grin.

"Hey little one" he grins and of course i jump up to hug him and he responds by twirling round.

"Hey big one" he places me back in my seat and squeezes into the free chair between me and Angie.

"Hey Ang-"

"SHUSH!" Emmetts mouth instantly closes at her hiss.

"She's googling where coffee came from, Columbia is Mexico right Em?" i know I'm right...well i think I'm right. Geography was never a subject i really focused on in school, mainly because Bella was my partner in that class and we spent most the lesson fondling and playing in the back of class. Good times.

"I have no clue. I don't touch the stuff, not since i found out they make coffee outta cat poop, can't believe you guys can drink it. Eww" Angela pauses her seach to cock a confused eyebrow to my very serious cousin but doesn't comment and goes back to her phone. Ah my dimwitted cousin, of course he's right. It's a delicacy but not all coffee is made from that but i think i'll just leave him to believe that.

"Shouldn't you guys be in work?"  
"Shouldn't you?"  
"Ah you see i was on my way to pick up a parcel from the depot and i saw you in here and thought i'd pop in, I am working"  
Emmett's job is so simple, he pretty much runs back and forth dropping off packages, as long as it gets dropped off on the day it doesn't matter about the time, so he can slouch all day and gets paid. Lucky.

"I needed a break from work and I got Angie a pass from Victoria" Angie does a little random boogie at the mention of her name while still searching for the answer on Google. It really doesn't matter now but she's determined to be right.

"Oh, so...how are you?" urgh and there's that dreaded sympathetic tone i was wanting to escape. I see Angie peer up from her phone and she throws me a wink. She gets me, why can't everyone else.

"I'm okay i guess. Have you...have you seen her?"

"...No she doesn't visit us anymore, plus she changed her number, Rose is torn up about it but...she needs her space and we understand, hopefully she'll let us back in again"

I feel like crap, i should be the only one to get ignored, my family don't deserve it.

"Alice not to be harsh or anything but you look like crap, you look like you haven't slept"

"Nah, i'm fine" I lie not wanting to bring the mood down.

"...Hey come over tonight, the gangs getting together and we're having a horror marathon like when we was kids, i think we all could do with reliving the past" he elbows me with a slight smirk.

It sounds like a good plan but the gang will mean, him, Rose, Jasper, Jess, Ben, Edward and Angie and of course Bella but she won't be there sadly.

"Come ooooooonnnnnn, we'll have beer and pizzaaaaaaa" Angie nods her head at me to agree.

"Stupid blonde chick with big boobs falling over at the wrong timeeeeeeee"

"Don't let Rose hear you say that" i giggle.

"Is that a yes?!"

"It's a yes"

"YES!" he squeezes me into a tight bear hug, nearly cracking my ribs with his huge thighs and ruffles my hair again making me pout.

"Ok i can't find anything on Columbia and Mexico, all I'm getting is plane tickets websites, stupid search engine, supposed to be the number 1 yet it doesn't give me what i ask, piece of shit, anyway we was both wrong about coffee, it actually came from Egypt"

"Well you learn something new everyday"

"Why didn't you just ask one of the waitresses?" Emmett pitches in

"Why would we ask them?" Angie puts her phone away and downs her cold, croisannt floating latte. Eww.

"Because they work here"  
"And..."  
"They make coffee."  
"Yes they do but what's your point?"  
"Well they'll know where it comes from"

He's confusing me, does he really think it's a need to know about coffee to work in a coffee shop? He can't be serious, he's joking, yeah he's a joker

"Emmett they serve coffee, it's not a need to know the history"  
"Sure it is, it'a must. Just like a history teacher needs to know about everything in the past""Yeah because that's their job to know that"  
"Just like it's the waitresses job to know about coffee, oohh pumpkin, has a latte got coffee in it?"  
Me and Angie just stared at each other completley dumbfounded, i knew my cousin was slightly...well thick as pig shit but i didn't know it stretched this far.

"No latte means 'late' it means the pumpkin is late blooming, it tastes stronger" Angie quickly lied. That was quick work for her and we both tried to hide our giggles when Emmett shot off to the till.

"I really worry about him sometimes, nevermind being dropped on his head, i think he was slamdunked to the floor as a baby" Angie choaks out

After Angie and me parted ways with Em, we made our way back to work.

"Are you gonna be okay tonight?" she asks as we head into the elevator of our building.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, it'll be wierd and slightly awkward with Edward but i'll deal. I kinda hoped-"  
"She'd be there" she finished for me.

"Yeah" i whispered

I really want to see her again, in person and not in a photo. I know she won't want to see me, ever and i understand. But if i get the chance to see her in person just once, it'll be so satisfying. Hell she could slap me in the face and i'd be happy.

"I...i just need to see if she's ok, i haven't heard anything from anyone about her, only that she doesn't speak to any of my family and she didn't want to see them anymore"

"...she's upset Alice but...she's dealing as best as she can...she's just drained from everyone constantly coddling her all the time"  
"You''ve seen her?"

"Of course I'm her best friend, she was in desperate need of wine and and good screaming session and i supplied her with it" of course she's seen her. I respect Angie so much for not being like a high schooler, picking a side.

"...She's so similar to you, hating the sympathy, the soft sad smiles, she told us the next person to ask 'how are you feeling dear' she will personally slap them on the forehead, of course Edward didn't listen to the threat and had a proper bump glowing for days from when she palmed him one"

I remember when Bella palmed me in the head once and it hurt like a motherfucker. I was running a bath and listening to her Ipod at the same time. Let me just say something here, Bella and Edward are music freaks and Bella's Ipod is her oxygen supply, never leaves the house without it and spends half her paycheck on music. Anyway as i was leaning over to turn the tap off, i felt a tug on my ears and i heard a plop, that one plop sent shivers down me when i looked down to see a deep hole formed in the towers of bubbles, the white wire trailing through it. I froze and just stared at the hole for what seems hours before i dove in and searched frantically for the device. And when i did, i prayed as i towel dried it, begging it to wake up. Bella heard all the rukkus and came in, her face paled when she seen me on my knees, my clothes soaking wet, her Ipod lying on a towel, drowned. It was as if i performed CPR and failed and Bella was staring at a lifeless corpse and i was the distraught lifeguard towering over it, panicking.

So the point of it all was i told her what happened, she didn't speak just palmed my forehead. When she palms you she gets you with the base of her hand and thrusts it right in the middle of your forehead and it fucking hurts. It's her own, playful signature move, i twist people's upper ear lobes right around and pinch till it's red raw, Emmett smacks his knuckles onto your knees, leaving you rolling on the floor unable to walk, Edward stabs you in the back of the knee with his finger making you collapse and your leg going dead, Jasper karate chops you right between the shoulder blades making you twitch like a deformed chicken and finally Rosalie's a classic, just a straight knee into the balls for a guy and a full on smack to the back of the head, the smack might not seem like much but she full on whacked me out of a chair once in revenge for twisting her ear.

"...What would you do if you did see her again?"  
I really haven't got a clue, what would i say to her, what would i do, how would my body react, would i lose my legs and fall in shock, would my heart flutter at a hundred miles an hour to see her face?

"Probably faint..." i try to joke but Angie see's through my false humour

"Alice honey...i think it's time you moved on fro-"  
"I'm not moving on from her, ever, I love her to much to do that Angela you know that, i know we're over and won't ever get back together but-"  
"Whoa whoa chill out, what i was going to say was, i think it's time you moved on from this problem. Yes you cheated on her and you regret it with everything you have but their is nothing you can do about it. The damage is done so you may aswell move on and get out of this self-hating depression. Honestly, do you really think Bella would want to see you like this, not speaking to people, constantly moping around alone. How would you think she felt if she saw you like this"  
"She'd probably want me to suffer more-"

"Alice STOP seriously, no one likes a marytr okay and besides i personally believe that Bella would not want you hating on yourself. She'd want the old Alice back, the fun, giddy, happy-go-lucky Alice. Not this -everything-sucks-i-hate-myself' Alice. So please cheer up or at least try, if not for your friends and family, at least for Bella. She didn't fall in love with this Emo chick alright and if you ever see her again being like this, is not going to help you in anyway with her. You fucked her over. Big time but she doesn't hate you, she couldn't even if she tried. You know I'm an observant bitch and i know people, she would hate herself by seeing you in this state"

The door finally pings and we both step out. I think over Angie's words as i head back to my desk. She's right, Bella wouldn't want me like this as much as i convinced myself i deserve it, it's time to move out of this funk and get the old Alice back. The one she loved, the one everyone enjoyed being around. The only way people are going to stop giving me OTT support is if i start to move on from my mistake and change back to me. So with a deep breath i make the decision, I'm going to move, starting now. And when i turn up tonight everyone is going to say hello to the old me.

**A/N: okay is that chapter better for you guys? the next chapter will be the movie night at Emmett's and Rose's place with the gang, so it's going to be a nice chapter as Alice is moving on, slowly though, she isn't going to be skipping through a field of flowers straight away, she will still be in a slight funk just not so bad. Bellice will appear at some point but in more memory forms first and so will some other characters, Esme and Renee will be in the next one too, yay! Anyway any questions PM me okay? and if you review i give cookies just ask others they'll tell you :) **


	4. Chapter 4 The 'Brother' i thought i lost

**A/N: Hi all, ok just to put out there, people reviewed and PM'd me about Alice moving on so quickly. She isn't moving on, not properly anyway, what she's doing is TRYING to get over what she did for the sake of her friends and family and when i say moving on i meant from the guilt cause remember it did happen a month ago and she hasn't seen Bella since she collected some things so Alice has been a wreck. it would be really hard to move on from Bella when she hasn't seen her. I remember telling my friend to start moving on from the guilt of her betrayal because she was stuck in a rut for nearly two months. So no, Alice will not be moving on so easily, it will show in this chapter. Chapter 3 was more of a filler, it was only to let up on the angst and give everyone a breather and Alice haha so that's why nothing major occured. And yes it was pretty stupid the convo about coffee but like i said it was pointless and just a filler, I'm using my sister for Emmett cause she is stupid, like really stupid and the things she comes out with is just Gold for Emmett. Anyway i'll shush now. xSkylarx**

I didn't feel right coming tonight, i wanted to go back to the apartment and curl up on the sofa and be away from everyone. I know i said i need the distractions and this is a pretty good one, surrounded by my friends but i feel wrong inside for doing it, as if I'm commiting an offence for trying to be happy.

I shouldn't be here with everyone, fake laughing and fake smiling with my over exaggeratec bouncy personality. Because i don't want to smile, i don't want to laugh. I should be alone with my thoughts of Bella, alone and hating on myself because it's what i deserve. I shouldn't be sat with Rose and Angie at my side with Jess on the floor discussing the new line's of clothing coming out this month for the winter season while the guys debate what movie to put on next while Bella is somewhere, not surrounded by her friends, when really she needs them more than me right now. Urgh but i made a promise to the others to start getting better with myself, so that's what I'm trying to do...but it's so fucking difficult. I'm not ungrateful, I'm really glad they've invited me over tonight, it's a slightly refreshing difference but the negative inside me definately out-weighs it.

When i arrived earlier as soon as i stepped through the door, Rose tackled me into a fierce hug which made me want to vomit on contact, not because SHE hugged me but because she HUGGED me. At first i was thankful for Rose because she wasn't afraid to scream and shout at me for what i did.

**"YOU STUPID BITCH!" Rose screamed at the top of her lungs as she tried to get past Emmett strong hold. I didn't care about what she was saying because it was all true.**

**Rose was the one to comfort Bella after she found me and James last night. She told her everything which i assumed and now Rose is out for my blood. I'm terrified of her right now, I've never seen her so angry before and i know if she gets out of Emmett's grip I'm done for, i'd welcome it but Renee for some insane reason is being a shield for me. Why would she protect the woman that broke her little girls heart.**

**"Rose seriously calm down babe!" Emmett grunted as Rose thrashed in his arms.**

**"CALM DOWN! How the fuck can i calm down you know what she did Emmett!" her tone was so cold and vexed it chilled me and i felt Renee tremble as well. **

**"Rosalie this is not helping anything, everyone just breath and sit down so we can talk" my mom's motherly voice works on Rose as she succumbed into Emmett's arms. He doesn't remove his arms as he sits the furious blonde on his lap in Charlie's chair. I opt for the sofa futhest away and my mom joins me and takes my trembling hand.**

**"Right I'm calm, now tell me what the fuck happened" even though she spoke in a quiet voice, i could clearly hear her growl. Her eye was twitching along with her tapping foot. Yes Rosalie Hale is a woman scorned right now.**

**"I-i-don't know what happened, all i remember is drinking at the club with Jess and Ja- Jam..." I couldn't bring myself to say his name, i got hit with a flashback of me shouting his name in my drunken state.**

**"James, the man you spread your legs for Alice, say it" Rose seethed and i winced at her choice of words.**

**"ROSALIE! Another word and i will throw you out of my house" Renee defended and turned to me with a soft smile and nodded me to continue. **

**Why was she being so...suppotive? Shouldn't she be like Rose, furious and banning me from her presence? **

**"I was drinking with Jess and...James, then everything was a blur after that, I do not remember anything at all i swear. I started sobering up and i noticed i was in mine and Bella's...bed with...him...naked. When i noticed it wasn't Bella I sobered up straight away. But before i could push him away...B-Bella was in th-the doorway...watching us, oh god she saw everything, heard everything" i broke down into sobs as my mother cradled me in her arms**

**"It's okay, take your time honey" she cooed**

**"...I ran after her, i did! I wanted to explain or at least try to. B-but she was already gone, she ran away from me...I tr-i tried to-" i couldn't speak anymore and i broke down again into Renee's waiting arms this time as my mom rubbed my back.**

**After i eventually got myself calm again i pulled myself away from Renee's soaked blouse and she handed me a tissue.**

**"Where is she?" my voice croaked painfully.**

**"Charlie picked her up from Rose's this morning and has taken her to Edward's for the time being so she can decide what she's going to do" Renee moved a wet strand of hair out of my eyes and squeezed my hand.**

**'Decide's what to do'**

**'Oh god what if she moves out, what if she leaves Forks, I'll never see her again!' My heart pounded painfully making me wince.**

**"I'm going to lose her" i whispered to no-one and played with the heart pendent she won out of a christmas cracker for me, I know it seems stupid sbut he gave it me when i was seventeen after we kissed under the mistletoe and told me she loved me for the first time. I waited from the first moment i seen her for her to say those words as i knew i loved her. The pendent became a cemented reminder of her love for me, a cheap silver necklace she won from a cracker.**

**"It's your own fault" Rose mumbled and my anger peaked.**

**"Don't you think i know that Rose! Don't bother trying to make me feel like shit by threatening me and insulting me! I already hate myself! I know I'm a complete fucking asshole! There is nothing you can say or do to make me feel any worse! I have lost the love of my life and i can't even think of anything to cause me more pain right now!" i screamed at her which only infuriated her more.**

**"Oh really..."**

**"Rose-" Emmett spoke but she ignored him.**

**"How about the fact that Bella collapsed into my arms the moment she saw me, crying for hours, crying so fucking much she threw up! She was blaming herself for what you did! She thought she wasn't good enough for you and that's why you did it, she had a fucking panic attack over it and it scared the shit out of me and Em so badly that we had to call your dad to drug her to get her to calm her down! And when she finally passed out from the exhaustion, she spent her time asleep screaming for you to get off of James! To stop what you was doing! You've caused her nightmares which is so ironic considering you promised to make all her dreams come true"**

Rose didn't speak to me after that, it wasn't until my mom and her barged into my home after i spent nearly a week, sat doing nothing, not answering calls or the door. And eventually my mom had enough and literally smashed the door from it's hinges. When Rose seen the state i was locked in she relented on her 'Hate Alice' parade and became my supportive friend again, with the same thought as Angie, she knew i was punishing myself enough. She tried to apologise for what she said but i told her not too cause it was a reasonable response.

"Hey what about Die Hard!" Jasper shouts gaining cheers from the guys.

"That isn't a horror Jazz" Rose tells her cousin who pouts and puts the DVD back on the shelf, leaning over the crouching Emmett.

"Sure it is, it's so badly acted and written it could be classed as a horror" Jess mumbles.

The guys halt there movements and their mouths drop in utter disbelief.

"Oh no you didn't" Emmett splutters

"Oh no you di-int just say on no you didn't" Edward cocks his hip and snaps his fingers and actually makes me laugh, he really can be play gay to much for his own good sometimes. Again i was shocked by the Swan family member as he was nothing but polite to me since i arrived and not once did he act all fake and sympathetic, just treated me like normal.

"Shut up bro and tell your woman to apologise for disrespecting such an awesome film" Emmett grumbles as her searches on his hands and knees through his never ending chest supply of DVD's, it would be so much easier if he had Netflix but no Emmett being Emmett likes to keep himself old-skool, the dude still has a VCR, i didn't even know Tape's still existed.

"She doesn't have to, i agree" Edward says making Emmett crack his head on the lid of the chest with a thump.

"Ouch shit, dude look what you made me do with your crazy words!" he rubs his head and pouts as no one gives him sympathy, instead laughter.

"Alright guys, The Possession? has anyone seen it?" Jasper waves the film in his hand, everyone shakes their head and he throws it to Emmett. I've seen it already but no-one else has so i keep quiet, it wasn't that scary but it freaked Bella when we watched it, enough for her to hide herself under my sweatshirt. I never got to see the ending as she began to kiss her way down my stomach and the film was forgotten.

"Hows life Alice?" Jess asks timdly.

Jessica for some reason has taken half the blame for what happened that night on herself, she's acting as if she's aided me in killing someone just because she bought me drinks that night. C'mon the girl cried in my arms when she found out Bella left me, SHE cried! Silly girl.

"It's okay Jess, yours?" i ask as chippy as i can with a fake smile. The girls seem to buy my false attitude so i keep it up.

"It's great urm good...it's ok" silence falls over us creating a very awkward atmosphere.

"So...The Possession, some little girl obsessed with some wierd ass box? How's that scary?" Rose break the silence, thankfully.

"I heard she sleeps with it" i pitch in, i know she does, it is a odd film and it's supposedly true but of course it always turns out as false, a sales pitch to sell it to the public more.

"Eww like sleep sleep!" Jess squeals

"...Oh my god your just like Emmett" Rose mumbles under her breath at Jess's stupidity.

"Alice can you come help me in the kitchen please" Edward calls out, Angie gives me a look saying silently if she needed her to come with me but i smile and softly shake my head and make my way to him.

"I'm here, what do you need help with?" i ask Edward who is pulling bottle of beers from the fridge.

"I don't actually need any help, i wanted to speak to you away from everyone else"

It's strange how similar Edward and Bella are, their not twins but they so could be, they both have the deeply shade of brown mixed with a slight green eyes. Red tinted highlights in their hair and the same crooked smile which only they can pull off. Their voice's are soft and light, every word they say is perfectly pronounced. They are both virtuso and are amazingly talented, Edward is pretty much an expert on the piano and Bella's silk voice accompanies him perfectly when they performed together. I remember when i first met Edward when we was sixteen. I was going to Bella's for dinner after school and she driving us all home. He of course was in the music room pounding away at the keys when we met up with him.

**Bella held the door open for me with her finger on her lips as we stepped into the music room. I could hear the piano been played with fury as we both tip toed futher towards it. A young male with high gelled hair, you could say a male version of Bella was pounding away at the keys with great speed and precision. His eye's we're closed as he lost himself completley in the music, i could understand why Bella told me to be quiet, distracting him right now would be similar to breaking a law. He was playing beautifully. **

**We both stood in silence and waited for him to finish his piece, oblivious to our presence. When he finally finished i couldn't help but clap making him jump and press down on the keys.**

**"JESUS! how long have you been standing there!" he gasped out.**

**"Long enough Edward, long enough. It sounds much better than last week, your going to pass your exam with flying colours" he smiled a crooked smirk, exactly matching his sister's it was wierd.**

**"Thanks sis. Soooo is this The Alice?" he offered me his hand to shake and i took it. His voice was silky smooth just like Bella's, these two could be twins easily.**

**"Nice to meet you Edward" "You too, it's about time aswell, I'm tired of hearing Bell talk about you all the time, it's nice to put a face to the name" **

**Butterflies swirled in my stomach to hear Bella speaking about me.  
"I don't talk about you all the time, he's exaggerating, ignore him" she playfully punched him in the arm making him yelp.**

**"She does talk about you all the time, she's denying, ignore her" he stick his tongue out as they banter like true siblings.**

**I dragged my fingers across the keys. I wish i could play an instrument, to have a talent in some ways, sure i was great with clothing but that's not really as impressive as making music.**

**"Has Bella performed for you?"**

**"Dude! she didn't need to know that piece of information" she hissed at her now smirking brother. I gasped at this exciting information and bounced on the spot.  
"Great now she's going to want to hear" she whined when she noticed my excitement. I turned and gave her my most powerful pout and strongest puppy eyes i could muster. Bella did whatever she could to not focus on my ****face. She can't deny this, It's how i got her to go on a date with me...and the fact i sang 99 bottles of beer over and over till she said yes.**

**"See!" she waved her hand at me, indicating the pout that she was refusing to look at.**

**"Pweeease Bwella" Edward 'awwd' at my tone while Bella relented and grumbled a fine. ********Edward chuckled and placed himself at the piano.  
She growled and grumbled and perched herself up on the piano pouting. I was confused, I thought she was going to play for me**

**"I sing, sometimes i play but i prefer him doing it" she whispered. Her face was crimson red and her hair fell, hiding me from view.**

**"Bella you can't sing well if your eating your hair" Edward leans up and tucks her hair behind one shoulder. She wasn't impressed that her plan was foiled. **

**"Fine. What are we going to do?" what Bella doesn't realise is when she acts moody she comes across insanely adorable.**

**"That's easy. My Love by Sia" he smiles and cracks his fingers in preparation.**

**"You son of a bitch" she grumbled**

**"Such lovely language from a fine lady. Bella we sound amazing with that song so suck it up" **

**Edward began to play the keys of the opening, i knew the song and it was gorgeous. But i was wrong, it was beautiful when Bella sang it. Her voice was pitch perfect, she had no problems reaching the high notes and held the long vocals with perfection. Edward played in time and never played out of key. When he joined her with a backing vocal, they meshed together. They was perfect...She was perfect. Her reluctance to sing disappeared and she belted it out and didn't lose eye contact with me. And i fell in love with her more in that moment**

That song in a way became our song. She suprised me at Prom by performing it for me and even the night we first made love, it was played quietly in the back ground. I don't think i could bring myself to listen to it now.

"Alice?"

Edward waved his hand in front of me, snapping me from my memories.

"Are you okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine, just got lost in thought" i croaked as i swallowed the building tears.

"Where did you go?" he whispered.

"The day i met you. When you and Bella sang that song for me" he smiled as he remembered himself. It seems such a long time ago, when everything was happy and flowing with no bumps.

"Bella beat the crap outta me when you left our home, she was so embarrassed over performing for you, I remember being so shocked that she actually did sing for you. It took her months to build up the courage to sing for our parents but you asked once and she did, it was definatley shocking, i knew you was special to her" his voice was sensitive and it made me uncomfortable, the tone he had for his sister.

"...Edward. Everyone is talking as if Bella has died, the way their voices are, the words their using. I'm sick of it now. I was thankful for the support to begin with but now..."  
"I know but it's a very unfortunate circumstance, it's affected everyone. Not just you two"  
"I don't understand why. I was the one that...broke her heart. Not her family or her friends"

"We know that but you two was the glue that held this family together and I don't mean the actual family, I mean everyone. Angela, Rose, Jasper, Ben, Jess. Even though they are not related, we all see each other as one big blood family and you and Bella was the reason we all met. If Bella didn't meet you, I wouldn't of been introduced to Jessica. If I didn't meet Jess then i wouldn't of introduced Ben to Angela. Rose wouldn't of met your cousin. We all would still be single and alone, unhappy"

"Like me now" i grumbled to myself and focused on a photo on the fridge, a photo of everyone together at a baseball game last year. Everyone with their loves. Apart from Jasper, don't feel sorry for him, he's happy being a single man and loves the freedom he has with his life. Me and Bella was covered in blue body paint and looked like a pair of Smurfs. I couldn't help but wonder if we would be able to have more times like that again.

"I heard from Angela you was attempting to bring back the old Alice, i can see that your struggling"

I leant my head into my hands and sighed. I was tired, drained and i really wanted to go home now. He steps over and hands me an open beer but i decline. I have zero trust in alcohol now.

"It's not that I'm struggling. I just...don't think i should be allowed to be the old happy me"  
"And why do you think your not allowed it?" Why was the Swan family so damn nice to me, out of everyone. Renee, Charlie and Edward should be the ones to hate me, ignore me, refuse to have any kind of contact with me. But no, they are all being so fucking supportive and it's making me nauseous

"Because i- because i hurt Bella. Horribly, i shouldn't be allowed to smile, laugh or have sympathy. I should be alone, wallowing in self-hatred"  
"Alice no one likes broodiness. Especially Bella, she wouldn't want you like this-"  
"Well she should and so should you and everyone in the living room, not inviting me round for pizza and beer"  
"I know my sister and i know how she thinks. Yes she pissed and extremely heartbroken over what happened. But she's dealing with it, yes she's islolated herself from everyone but she's doing it to think over everything unlike you who's chosen your isolation just to punish yourself"  
"I deserve it-"  
"You did deserve it, at the beginning but now it's time to stop. Alice do you really, deep in your heart believe that Bella hates you. Hate's you enough to want you to suffer like this"

'Yes' **'No' **at the same time my brain and heart answered. My self hatred has clouded my mind enough for me believe that Bella does, truly in fact hate and is wishing a pain filled life whereas my heart doesn't, it knows Bella doesn't, she's hurt by me, that it does know and believe but does she hate me? My heart answers with another 'No' but it's a matter of letting my mind believe it. If the heart is part of me i choose to believe.

"...hopefully in time you will choose the right thing to listen to" he squeezes my shoulder and grabs the beers as if reading my mind.

"Man where the hell is this pizza man I'm starved!" Ben whines cradling his stomach

"When did you guys order it?" i ask as i sit down between the girls again.

"Jeez about an hour ago, it's as if it's coming from Italy itself. HURRY UP!" Ben whines again. Edward parks himself down next to Ben who is cradling his stomach and gives me a small wink.

"Honey shouting for it won't make it come any quicker" Angie tells her boyfriend who responds by poking out his tongue and rubs his very loud growling stomach.  
"Haha come" Emmett giggles as he places the disc in the player and everyone just shakes their head at his immaturity apart from Jess who descreetly hid her giggles by feigning a cough.

"Hey sorry i took so long guys, traffic was killer-" a voice shouts as the front door opens and i freeze at hearing a voice i did not expect along. I feel everyone's eyes flash at me for a second and towards the hallway where the voice came from. The footsteps trace into the living room and i tense as they turn the corner.

"Hopefully the pizza will still be warm-" they freeze up when they see me.

"Oh shit" i hear Angela whisper under her breath. Oh shit indeed.

I back track, NOW things are awkward.

**Oh crap! Who is it!? Sorry to be mean and leave it there lol erm I'm going to jump back onto 'Wrong Desires' cause i think I've left it long enough, don't fret I'm not leaving this story though, it will be updated in a few days, It's just I've got inspiration for 'WD' that needs to be published. Also i just need to say this cause it's been bothering me. This is an Angst story and it focuses around it more than the Romance(Which will be involved at some point). I don't want to upset people with what i write but it's the genre and it will be quite harsh at certain points, i want to please my readers but at the same time, i don't want to be softening it cause it will lose it's emotion which i aiming to get. I want people to get emotional at it cause it's angst, that's the aim. If i didn't want that then i wouldn't catorgorise it as Angst. I hope i don't lose readers because of it cause that would really suck, so all i ask of you, is to stick with it PLEASE, this story is important, more important than 'WD' cause it's a True Story, not that I'm using that to get you to read it, far from it. The fact that it's all coming from my friends POV herself(who i can't thank enough for letting me do this) makes it the most truthful thing i've ever written. Well I'm gonna shush now. Of course as usual PM me with question's and i will reply with cookies :D xSkylarx**


	5. Chapter 5 Struck Out

**A/N: All I can say is sorry for poofing from you guys but im back now.**

**Don't own Twilight. :/ if i did it would be Alice destroying the bed in Breaking Dawn with Bella xD**

Have you ever had one of THEM days. Them days where you just want to sit and cry from frustration? For example, you wake up very late for your job or school because the alarm didn't go off?.That's strike one.

You jump out of the bed and frantcally run around cursing under your breath eventually you end up stubbing your toe on the door as you do this frantic running around and you fall to the floor cradling it. That's strike two.

You scream and cry out, curse the door for being in the way and carry on getting ready. When you finally leave the house, you either just miss the bus or your car doesn't start making you even more late. That's strike three.

When eventually you manage to get to your job or your school, you get there and get shouted at for being late in front of everyone, embarrassing the hell out of you. That's strike four.

So up to this point your kinda pissed, fast forward a little, someone knocks into you by accident as your drinking a coffee or a juice and causes you to spill it all over your blouse. That's strike five.

Finally work is over or school ends and you can finally go home and curl up and bitch about the day, only for it to start thundering and rain pours down the moment you step outside, soaking you through. Strike six.

And to add on, a passing car finds it hilarious to drive through a deep puddle, causing a wave of filthy water to crash over you. Strike seven.

Have you ever had that? Where you get to the point of wanting to scream 'Fuck you!' to the sky and ask 'Why are you doing this to me?!' and you sit and dry sob. Not actually crying any tears, just sobbing with a huge shameful pout. Well I have, except none of that happened to me to cause the feeling of 'fuck you higher power, just fuck you'. Just seeing the person stood in the doorway of the living room with five boxes of pizza in their hands caused all that in the space of a second.

"Erm...hi"

James.

James was here.

Perfect...

I came here tonight to forget about my mistake and to hang with my friends and pretend like nothing happened and the second half in the equation to destroying Bella is stood right in front of me with the same uncomfortable, constipated look. I don't need to be an empath to know he wants to flee and hide from this room, I know because I feel the urge too. That horrible little pinch you get that makes your feet twitch in preparation to run like roadrunner.

Who is the mastermind to this idea? To invite this dude, out of all the guys we know.

"JAMES! sup bro, took your time getting the food, I'm a growing boy dude and your stalling my feeding time, gimme that-". And with that we know who invited him. From the wide eyes of Jess, Ed, Ben. The burning eyes of hated from Rose and Jasper and the attempt at 'looking distracted while I mess with my cell phone' Angela, it was obvious that Emmett was the clueless idiot behind this genius idea.

He grabs some of the boxes, opening the top one and began munching from the greased cheese dough, thankfully James follows him into the kitchen. Leaving me to have a big gulp of needed air.

"What the fuck is he doing here?!" Rosalie hissed next to me.  
"Your moronic fool of a man invited him it seems" Jasper hissed with equal venom. You can tell they are twins with the identical fury they both are sharing right now. Green eyes flaring with rage, nostrils flared and lips slightly snarling.  
"Look guys it's fine, I see him all the time at work-"

"Yeah but that's a professional area, where your on a different mind wave. Not here, hanging with your friends" Jasper waved his arms around to prove his point.

"Emmett is so not getting any tonight, that nurse costume is going in the trash" Rose mumbles making Jasper cringe at the thought of his twin getting it on with the Bear that is Emmett  
"Ok one, TMI and two its fine. It's awkward but like you said I work with him, there is no point in being all avoidy anymore"  
"And what will Bella think if she knew he was here with you." Run away fleeing probably...

"She would probably think, 'we're not in high school and ignoring people is childi-'"  
"I think she would be pissed" Jess pitched in her two cents.  
"Yeah well you know what, no-one's asking what you think Jessica so shove it" I spat out  
And with that I stormed off towards the bathroom for a moment.

Entering the bathroom, I make sure to slam the door shut so the others get the message of not speaking of this matter again.  
"I think she would be pissed..." I mimic Jess's voice in a child manner and as I soak my sweaty palms in cold water. I usually get on with Jess but my god she doesn't think before she opens that gossipy trap of hers. I scrubbed the sweat from my hands and grumbled under my breath, lifting my head up to see a very angry reflection look back at at myself...I can barely see the happy-go-lucky pixie that I once was, I'm not one to get pissy or annoyed but I am being pushed to my limits. Why can't people just be like Edward and Angela! Just moving on for fuck sake.

'But then again your not moving on are you' I ask myself in the mirror.

No I'm not and probably never will move on, I'll be stuck in this forever hating funk but then again as I've always said. I deserve it. Sure i'll walk around and be happy and smiley again but underneath that sickness black pit of hate to myself will still stir. But no longer in the eye of my friends and family. They don't deserved to be dragged down with me. Edward said me and Bella are the glue and if I crack and crumble any further, everyone else will come with me and I can't allow that to happen, without Bella around, it falls to me to keep us 'glued'. In a way I can see what will happen if I do. Sides will be taken, some will comfort me, the other blaming and everything will wither and die. I can't allow that to happen, not with my family and friends.

I can feel it is slowly happening to me and Bella, each second that passes, the more she's stepping away from me. No one knows what is happening and if they do they are refusing to tell me. But why? Yes i get she's avoiding but why her family. Edward must know something about her, she's staying with him till she decides what she's doing with her life.

Irritation at having no clue on how Bella is or how my love is dealing makes bile build at a sickening level in my stomach and make a violent apperance as I throw myself to the toilet in time and bring up the empty contents of my stomach, making my stomach clench painfully.

God i hate this...I hate these horrid feelings, I hate the fucking thoughts in my head, the worrying what if's.  
'What if she's met someone new?...no don't stupid Alice, that's unlikely and your just making yourself worse'  
The image of Bella with someone other than me made my chest flinch and the sickness go tenfold.

Jesus now I know how she felt...  
Even though I'm only seeing a mental image of her with someone, she had to witness it in full-sweaty-flesh.  
"Oh god..." I retch again and heave into the bowl.

A knock on the door reaches my ears, usually I would be embarrassed about being caught puking. If I was ever ill, I'd lock myself away and refuse to allow Bella to see me in such a weak state but fuck it, I'm already broken, let them see me.  
"What?" I croak out, my thoat stinging from the acid.  
The door creaks open and in He walks, the flame to the burnt remains of my relationship. James.  
"Are you alright Ali?" he asks in that fucking down trodden voice.  
"I don't know, my heads in a toilet bowl and I'm puking up my lungs, you tell me" I push myself up and walk with wobbly legs to the sink and run the water and swish it in my mouth.  
"Sorry, I just came to see if you was ok, you've been a while and I was asked to come to check on you" he mumbled looking at his shoes.  
"I'm fine...just felt woozy, I'm good now, thanks" I wanted to cut the conversation short and get out before it turns more awkward. Only reason why it was awkward was because he was wearing the same cologne he was that night and a reminder involving the sense's will not exactly make my mood any better.

"...how have you-"  
"Seriously James I will cut off your hair if you ask me that" I hissed out with annoyance. And with that his mouth clamped shut and he continued staring at his feet. God dude, what are you looking for scuff marks?!  
"Well this is awkward..." he mumbled under his breath.  
God, can people think before they speak, I know its awkward! I know it is. I'm sick of getting the 'How are you head tilts' the 'She'll come back to you' speeches and the last person I expected to get it from was him. I guess he doesn't know what to say to me either, he can't really offer sympathy cause he is partly responsible and he can't shout at me cause that will make him a hypocrite. So in a way I feel slightly sorry for his inner battle. So with a shaky deep breath...

"James...please I beg of you. Just don't talk about it anymore, don't even think about it. I'm carrying enough guilt for the both of us. I just want to forget about it and move on and enjoy tonight the best I can with my friends, alright?" I tried my best to keep cool and not scream out in frustration at him and I succeded, just about, my nails are digging into my palms.  
He lifted his head and gave me a smile that showed relief.

"Okay, I can do that"

So I lied to him. I don't want to move and if they knew I was still hating myself they would ask why. But they...they won't understand. I destroyed a perfect relationship with one stupid mistake for no reason. A relationship that most people would beg for. A relationship with no arguements, trickery or lies and I ruined it. So yes, an idiot like me needs to feel shame.

I turned to switch the water off before I accidently flooded the bathroom but in my distracted state, turned it fully the oppopsite way, making freezing cold water hit the bowl and spray all over my thighs soaking me.

"Shit!" i squealed as the water spat all over me, frantically I grabbed at the knob to switch it off.

Stepping back and taking in my jeans, soaked and now clinging to me. Was it this strike 8 or 9? I can't keep up.

James was snickering in the door way and handed me a towel off the rack. So I happily snatched it from him with a scowl. Glad he finds it funny.

"What?! what's wrong?!" Rose said as she barged her way into the room, knocking James out of the way. And she didn't really seem to care either.

"Alice had a disagreement with the H20" he chuckled as I tried to towel dry my jeans.  
Rosalie just tsked and shook her head at me.

'What are you my fucking mother now?' I bit my cheek to stop myself from saying that outloud.

"C'mon, I can lend you something" she takes my wrist and pulls me out of the bathroom and past the still sniggering James.

She drags me into her and Emmett's bedroom, which is filled with pictures of the pair. From little frames on their bedside tables, to the huge canvas above their headboard. It's kinda like a showroom for a recentely married couple. Gross with a dash of sweetness.

"You know I thought being clumsy was Bella's gig" She says as she rumbles through her walk in closet. Yeah it is but me being distracted and handling objects at the same time isn't a good mix so sue me.  
"Here" she throws me a pair of denim shorts, that seem like they will be too big unless I fold the waistline over, Rosalie isn't a big girl, she just has a well toned ass and I'm a mini petite pixie that comes up to her shoulders. So these won't fit and I'm not looking forward to wearing them. Not because of the baggy size. But because of the slight scar I have on my thighs from my frantic scrubbing.  
"Shorts? I say dumbly as I look at them.  
"Yeah what's wrong with them? I have a belt you can wear with them if you need" she begins open her drawers to find me it but I walk over and hand them back.  
"Can't I just...I don't know, borrow some sweats or something?"  
She halts her search and stares at me for a moment.  
"Sweats...Alice Cullen is asking to borrow some sweats...to wear in open, in front of people. Are you feeling alright?" She goes to feel my forehead but I bat her hand away.  
"I'm fine, it's just..its chilly and I want to be warm" I lie.

"You don't give a damn about it being cold or hot..."

She's right, even in the freezing cold of Forks, I would never wear sweats out in public. But I can't be bothered explaining the real reason why.  
"Alice, what's going on? Tell me now or I will lock us both in this room till you crack and you know I'm not making a threat"

Great...looks like I have to tell her...perfect.

I sigh and sit myself down on the edge of her bed and she joins me. Giving me the sympathetic face already as she knows I'm going to be talking about Bella.  
"After That happened...and Bella ran out. I took a shower and cleaned myself a little to vigoursly" I idly stroke my thumb along one of my thighs as I think over it.

"I was desperate to get him off of me, any...small reminder. I felt so dirty and I ended up bringing skin off and now I have scars on my thighs" I sigh and rub my temple.  
"...hunni was it...was it, you know" she was stumbling over the right word to say and I could sense what she was getting at.  
"I was self harming Rosealie. I just...I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and the next thing I know my legs we're stinging like a bitch and there was blood. I jumped out and took care of it once I realised"  
She sighed in relief at that. And I'm glad she believed me, the last thing I needed was for the men with butterfly nets chasing me. She held my hand that was stroking my thigh and gripped it, she was giving the look, that look where the conversation is going to a point that I don't want to go to.

"Alice, I know me and you kind of broken apart a little after what happened. And we are back on track, which I'm so happy for by the way. I just...i just need to say that I'm still pissed by what you did..." She raises her hand to stop me from protesting my innocence and continues.  
"...I know you say you can't understand what happened and how it started and I believe you. But you are still at fault here...for being stupid enough to get yourself in that state in the first place, I dont want to add onto the hate you have growing against yourself already. I just really want things back to normal, I hate this drama and the awkardness we have in the group...I really miss Bella, she barely speaks to Edward anymore, her parents don't hear from her and I'm worried cause I haven't seen her or heard anything. I'm asking...no I'm begging of you to talk to her.."

I never thought I'd see Rosalie be this way with me and especially over someone else, she has a slightly selfishness around her so to see her be this broken and concerned over someone else is new.

"...Rosalie she won't even want to hear what I have to say..."  
"No I don't mean to apologise cause christ I know that will be one hell of a phone bill. Just try to get her out of her shell or wherever the hell she is held up"

I sigh heavily, I don't want this kind of pressure on me. It is really the last thing I need.  
"I want her back but how do I even begin to talk to her without me breaking down and her cutting the call"  
"Have you called her?"

"Emmett said she changed her number..."

"Well have you been to Edward's to see her?"

I shake my head, she wouldn't want to see me. I don't think I can handle the thought of seeing her just so she can tell me to fuck off and never bother her again.

"You know she won't throw you out Alice so stop making excuses"

God is everyone a damn mind reader today!

"Now get your ass up and lets go 'enjoy' the rest of the night"

She stands and grabs me a pair of black sweats and throws them to me, getting me in the face. Not sure if it was a aimed shot or if it was fluke. Oh well. I quickly mumble my thanks and shimmy off my wet jeans and slide the sweats on before she can see the shiny skin on my thighs. It isn't stand out in your face scar, about the size of my palm and white. You would probably have to glance at it twice but once you do then its stuck in your mind and I don't want people to even see it once.

Feeling comfortable in something I once seriously hated. Hell, guess I am changing.

"C'mon lets go some pizza" She holds out her hand with a soft smile and I take it weakly, only for her to yank me up giggling and throwing her arm over my shoulder and we both go back to the pit for horror and grub. Just like we used to.

**A/N- ok don't know what you think, if it's too short, is it too angsty or too mellow. I don't know, anyway ive been told i should get a beta, well i have no clue on how to get one or what one is really xD. So if anyone would like to explain and be one then message me. Love you all and im Soooo sorry for leaving you guys. And WD will be up soon once I can get the chap right ¬¬**

***Gives everyone cookies* XxSkylarxX**


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